PHILIP DODD'S BOOB CREATES WAVES

Interviewing Pamela Stephenson-Connolly - daughter from downunder, former Not The Nine O'clock News presenter, wife of Billy, psychotherapist, Strictly Come Dancing contestant, writer and generally formidable femme - it emerged that BBC Radio 3 Night Waves present Philip Dodd had apparently greeted her as Pamela Anderson.

The subject in question was sex, and Pamela Stephenson-Connolly's new book on this. I'm sure that Dr Freud, perhaps observing the sometimes tense exchange in his therapeutic Elysium, would have enjoyed a laugh.

Incidentally, we are creating a new "Cultural Cockatoo" column to celebrate the literary, artistic and other achievements of creative Australiennes, as well as Kiwi Birds.

New Country Wife - Birmingham Interchange

Act 2 Scene 4

Samantha has arrived at Marina's Chelsea apartment, to be told that the MD of Kitsch & Kinky has been held up. However, Marina has other business to discuss with Samantha, notably "rising price of peerage" as she explains.

Peter, "political adviser" of Ron and Alan, has met with Chancellor of Exchequer's office concerning "strategic investment in UK plc sufficient to obtain two peerage. Adviser has direct access to office following incident with oligarch and yacht in Corfu a few years ago. Chancellor's office told Peter that we would need to pay for Birmingham Interchange station on new high speed railway to have two peerage".

Marina is clearly not happy with this news, which is nevertheless of great interest to Samantha whose constituency lies on the route of the proposed HS2. Furthermore, the information provided suggests that the promoters intend to abandon the Birmingham city centre station in favour of a line which goes only as far as the airport interchange.

Like most MPS with constituencies along the proposed route, Samantha has serious doubts about the viability of the project, aside from its environmental impact which is a particular concerns for her voters, and she is not at all surprised that the Birmingham airport interchange is really what interests "London politics".

For all her cosmopolitanism, Samantha still very much thinks of herself as "The New Country Wife" and the thought of "our lovely countryside being torn up so people from London can catch a flight from Birmingham" angers her deeply. She therefore feels bound to agree that Marina is "being offered a very bad deal".....

To be continued

The New Country Wife - Samantha Shag MP

Act II Scene 3

Samantha Shag has just won a by-election to become the Lib-Dem MP for a suburb of Birmingham, and simultaneously shot to poll position in new website where punters vote for the sexiest member of parliament.

This success has brought unprecedented media coverage to the business which Samantha founded and is now non-executive chairman, Kitsch & Kinky. Until now very much a middle market enterprise, "The Sexy MP" site - created by members of the "Made in Chelsea" set - has made Kitsch & Kinky's new managing director determined to move the brand up-market.

A meeting in London is scheduled between the MD and Samantha, who has also been contacted by Sir Alan Shag's prospective new wife, Marina. It has occurred to Samantha that this Russian lady might make an excellent business partner, and has suggested they "do a threesome".

The House of Commons register of business interests has of course been informed of these developments, with the exception of Marina's possible involvement, and received full disclosure of Samantha's financial affairs. Indeed, she is sure that her reputation for probity will not go unrewarded.

Her only slight embarrassment is an elderly Conservative MP who was a regular client when Samantha was the doyenne of the Birmingham bondage scene during John Major's government. As a woman who likes to move on in the world, she naturally hopes that the old gentleman will be discreet, although Samantha has no intention of shackling anyone who wishes to pry....

To be continued....

The New Country Wife - "Catherine the Great"

Act 2, Scene 2

Sir Alan has returned to "The Shag Pile" after a stay on Sir Ron Fastmoney's ocean-going yacht, "Catherine the Great".

Here, Sir Alan's relationship with Marina, the former wife of a Russian oligarch has progressed to discussion of "pre-nuptial agreement". Marina, a one time Olympic gymnast originally from Siberia, received "spectacular divorce settlement" from her previous husband after he left her for "recent winner of Ms Pole Dance World". A friend of Sir Ron's latest wife, Marina let it be known that she wanted to meet "older English country gentleman with title". Sir Ron responded that he "may have just the man for her" and arranged an introduction to Sir Alan Shag. The only sticking point was that of a title, Marina sought marriage to a peer.

As it happens, both Sir Alan and his friend are also in the market for a peerage, and Sir Ron believes that Marina's fortune may be sufficient to secure one for both of them.

Furthermore, our two knights of the realm believe they are on the brink of a deal which would make them significant players in the energy reserves of the Russian Arctic.

Both men feel that priority must be given to the marriage contract with Marina, "as formidable a business woman as Catherine the Great" according to Sir Ron; and Sir Alan has returned to Britain to seek counsel from a political adviser they call "Peter the Great". A preliminary telephone conversation with Peter has re-assured them that "cash is always king where a peerage is concerned", although Sir Alan's "switch from Conservative to New Labour to Cameron Conservative horse" is felt to be a disadvantage, "but not one which some strategic investment in UK plc might not overcome..."

To be continued.....

CULTURAL COCKATOO - OUT OF AUSTRALIA

Not usually having much truck for cultural bureaucrats, we nevertheless found ourselves pitying the poor curator of the British Museum's "Out of Australia" Exhibition, which yesterday received a screeching attack from the Sheila-Devil From Downunder on BBC Radio 4's Front Row arts programme. Yes, Cultural Cockatoo Germaine Greer laid into the forthcoming show of drawings and water colours, together with the accompanying display of of Australia foliage - sponsored by Rio Tinto - with a beak determined to draw blood.

INTRODUCING SOME COALITION COMEDY

As the British Coalition Government is turning into a rather too serious affair, Janet and Rocco have decided to celebrate this political relationship with some coalition comedy.

The New County Wife - Singular Political Woman

Act II Scene I

It is now some 18 months since we left "The New Country Wife", Samantha Shag, and her plotting husband Sir Alan. In this time, much water, as they say, has passed under the bridge.

Sir Alan has failed in his attempt to implicate Samantha in an affair with her riding instructor, and it is she who has divorced him. He is now rumoured to be wedding the former wife of a Russian oligarch subject to "satisfactory pre-nuptial agreement". His energy and resources joint venture with Sir Ron Fastmoney is still on the cards, as is a possible peerage for both of them.

Samantha has also decided to enter the political arena. The sex industry, in which she occupies a thoroughly respectable position, has been doing very well, and Samantha feels that as a successful business woman she now has much to offer public life.

However, whilst the "allure of azure" last year turned Samantha's head in the direction of David Cameron's Conservatives, her well-developed political instincts have now secured her the position of Liberal Democrat parliamentary candidate in a by-election following the resignation of the existing incumbent after a series of sex scandals.

The constituency, in a suburb of Birmingham, is ideally suited to Samantha's professional demographic as a key part of her business involves the provision of what she describes as "naughties" for women to buy at home-based parties. Indeed, this loyal clientele has provided an excellent campaign team.

Although some former members of the Social Democrats have re-joined the Labour Party as a consequence of Samantha's selection, she is, nevertheless, confident of victory in the forthcoming by-election. She regards herself as a "true liberal", and as someone who can restore the brightness of the Lib Dem's star, currently somewhat dimmed by Coalition politics.

Samantha's only regret at the present time is that she, along with children Zara and Harry, did not receive an invitation to the recent British Royal Wedding. The event has, however, set this singular political woman wondering whether re-entry to the married ranks might be good for her future ministerial career.

THE TAIL OF THE RUNAWAY HORSE

Some readers will be aware of a feline work in progress at Janet and Rocco's other blog - http://janetrocco.wordpress.com/ - entitled "Tails of Two Nations" - but today we turn our attention to a horse's tail.

The name of the equine in question is unknown, but the animal is famous, or infamous, following an over-hasty departure from outside Westminster Abbey after last week's British Royal Wedding. Discharging its Cavalry Guardsman rider, the horse defied attempts to catch it and raced back to Horse Guards Barracks, overtaking the carriage of the bride and groom together with their equestrian escort en route.

We observed at the time that, on occasions, this Royal "posse" did look like something out of a John Wayne film, but the BBC's coverage of the event seemed to have censored out the runaway animal, although we had detected a loose horse.

Interviewed later exclusively for our blog, however, a close friend of the equine, who wishes to remain anonymous, said it had early wind of a likely assault - codename Geronimo - by the United States cavalry on the hideout of a much-wanted outlaw in a distant part of the globe. The horse had, therefore, apparently decided that, as readiness for battle might be required, it would suspend all ceremonial work immediately and report for combat duty post haste.

In the light of this noble motivation, and notwithstanding that the animal's conduct was not entirely in accordance with military training and protocol, we would nevertheless request that the horse is forgiven any impropriety by the Royal Household.

Finally, perhaps consideration might be also be given to the horse receiving the honorary name Geronimo, in recognition of the prescience shown on this occasion.

May Day 2011 - Tribute To Three Great Empires

TRANSMOGRIFIED AGAIN - THIS SEASON'S IMAGE

Janet and Rocco feel that their satirical and other offerings this season may be more earthy in nature, and perhaps view subjects more clearly in black and white.

THE DIARIES OF A FOXY LADY....

...will follow shortly, but these will not be the journal of some new "Belle De Jour", and whilst there may be some spying on human animals this will pose no threat to national security. For the subject under scrutiny will be the planning system, admittedly sexed up from time to time....

RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT ORDERS COVER-UP

As Russian femme-fatale spy Anna Chapman (shown here) launches a new career as host of a television show called "Secrets", her country's government has ordered its women workers to cover-up. Low cut blouses and short-skirts must be replaced by more modest attire in a new code of conduct, which also covers standards of behaviour for government employees. It is unclear whether this applies to those engaged in espionage.

ON THE SECOND DAY OF CHRISTMAS....

Readers may remember that it is not long since we were lamenting the lack of potential satirical comedy in the UK Coalition Government. How premature this judgement was !

Enter Mike Hancock, Liberal Democrat MP for Portsmouth South, and a string of revelations that can only be described as an early Christmas present for the satirical observer.

So here's a little re-working of "A Partridge In A Pear Tree" in celebration of Mr Hancock's political indiscretions (a welcome distraction in these Oh So Worthy Times) :

On the second day of Christmas, my true love said to me
Two Russian blonds, and a Lib-Dem well over sixty....

Is Philip Hammond the New Prince of Darkness ?

Are we alone in thinking that the Secretary of State for Transport, Philip Hammond, bears some resemblance to Christopher Lee's portrayal of Count Dracula ?

Please see www.dft.gov.uk/press/ministers/philiphammond

Or might this just arise from our intuition that some unappetising road schemes may be resurrected ?

Either way, as we hot seated this morning - Janet in Rocco's place - yesterday's sense of satirical void was replaced by a feeling that we are due for a spell of gothic satire well suited to the witching season !

THE SAD STORY OF BEAUTY & THE BEAST

With the Season of Saturnalia just around the corner, the time has come for "The New Politics" to receive some satirical treatment, were it not already the case that some aspects of these are "Beyond Satire" !

Take "The Story of Beauty and the Beast", as we shall call it. ""The Beast" - aka Lib-Dem MP John Hemming who also has a very informative blog @ http://johnhemming.blogspot.com/ - is a self-confessed serial adulterer, whose wife recently stole a kitten, called Beauty, from the home of a (? former) mistress with whom he has a child*

Reference to the old story of "Beauty and the Beast" seems particularly appropriate here because the tale is, in fact, rather a sad one. Mr Hemming's wife has been charged with theft and the poor kitten is, it seems, still lost and much missed by his child and the little cat's brother. I can feel the tears welling up even as I write this !

So would the Coalition Government please dish up a good old-fashioned scandal, of the kind to which we became accustomed under the Conservative premiership of John Major, such as his own affair with Edwina Currie.

*A lovely photo of Beauty and her brother Twinkle appears in Mr Hemming's post of 21 October.

Eruption in Iceland to decide UK Election ?

Internet search engines threw up a satirical news site called The Spoof - http://www.thespoof.com/ - the other day, when we looked for an update on the consequences for air travel following the dispersal of an ash plume from the eruption of a volcano in Iceland .

Political relations between Iceland and the United Kingdom have not been too warm since the British Government froze the assets of Icelandic Banks, deploying anti-terror laws in the process.

Anyone familiar with the Old Icelandic Sagas will know that gods of the North do not take kindly to human provocation, especially when this comes from an Anglo-Saxon kingdom and source of historical enmity: some may remember the so-called "Cod War".

Iceland's volcanic eruption, co-inciding as it does with the UK General Election, is a reminder of our ancient European heritage. The gods of the North may yet overturn political process in Britain, providing a long-awaited government of national unity perhaps.

CAFE ROCCO NOW OPEN FOR BUSINESS

Following Craft's announcement last week that their Cadbury brand is to have a national coffee shop chain - some may remember the Lyons Tea Houses - we would like to inform readers that Cafe Rocco is now open for business at http://www.caferocco.com/

The new website has a welcoming feline image, which is just as well because the images have mysteriously disappeared from our previous posts.

Portentous events this week - notably the grounding of aircraft across the UK and Northern Europe following the eruption of an Icelandic volcano and a plume of ash moving through the upper atmosphere - remind us of the strange cosmic event which concluded our first creative enterprise in 2006, "The Court of the Red Tsar".

In this, Britain is mysteriously plunged back into the middle years of the 20th century and a time when Lyons Tea Houses provide sustenance on the High Street. At the stylish Cafe Rocco, we look forward to more post-election retro-kitsch !

BRING ON BREMNER BIRD & FORTUNE !

Like many fans of satirical comedy, Janet and Rocco are longing for the return of Channel 4's Bremner, Bird and Fortune show. The appearance of The Three Tenors - whoops The Three Chancellors* ! - the other day just didn't provide an alternative, if that is what Channel 4 had intended.

* Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling, Shadow Chancellor George Osborne, and Liberal Democrat Treasury Spokesman Vince Cable : all singing much in the same tenor.

PS. We enjoyed Rory Bremner's all too short "International Satirists" series on BBC Radio 4 - more of the same please !

Interlude - The Value of a Classical Education

Some readers may have been following the case of a financier being sued for £4 million for sexual discrimination, by former employee Jordan Wimmer.

The gentleman in question, Mr Mark Lowe of Nomos Capital, sent a lewd email to another female employee - a friend of Ms Wimmer - quoting the Latin poet Catallus (showing some resemblance to Mr Lowe in this modern representation).

The financier maintained that the email was sent as a joke, which could not cause offense because the recipient did not understand Latin.

However, it will be interesting to see who has the last laugh as Ms Wimmer has recently filed a further case against Mr Lowe and Nomos Capital.

Further Extract from The New Country Wife

Act 1, Scene 2 : Sir Alan Country House, The Shag Pile - follows on from July 2009 Post

....On the advice of "Apprentice" Tristram, Sir Alan has abandoned plans to marry into the Worcestershire gentry or County aristocrats : too poor ! Instead Tristram has proposed the recently-divorced former wife of a Russian oligarch with an "excellent settlement". However, the grounds for Sir Alan's divorce from his present wife, Samantha, have yet to be determined, although he and Tristram are confident that "the Secret Agent" will deliver these.

In the meantime, Sir Ron Fastmoney, an old friend, has paid an unexpected visit to "The Shag Pile".

The relationship between the two men goes back to the 1980s, when Sir Ron was knighted during the boom years of the Thatcher Government for services to property development. Much of Sir Ron's fortune was subsequently wiped out during the crash of the early 1990s, forcing him to flee the country to avoid creditors.

Since then, he has spent much of time "off-shore" - the Caribbean, Dubai, Far East etc - and in the process created a much larger fortune. Sir Ron now spends most of his year on a large ocean-going yacht, entertaining the rich and their hangers-on. However, he is currently "setting up ship" in St Petersburg, having also recently acquired a new Russian wife : "There'll be no New Austerity for me, thank you very much...!!

Sir Ron wants Sir Alan Shag - whom he regards as "a cunning old fox, if rather cash-strapped these days" - to join him in a Russian energy and resources joint venture, which he promises will deliver the kind of returns unimaginable in "a poky little country like Britain.... Naturally, I am sparing no expense in entertaining the Russians....."

To be Continued....