The New Country Wife - "Catherine the Great"

Act 2, Scene 2

Sir Alan has returned to "The Shag Pile" after a stay on Sir Ron Fastmoney's ocean-going yacht, "Catherine the Great".

Here, Sir Alan's relationship with Marina, the former wife of a Russian oligarch has progressed to discussion of "pre-nuptial agreement". Marina, a one time Olympic gymnast originally from Siberia, received "spectacular divorce settlement" from her previous husband after he left her for "recent winner of Ms Pole Dance World". A friend of Sir Ron's latest wife, Marina let it be known that she wanted to meet "older English country gentleman with title". Sir Ron responded that he "may have just the man for her" and arranged an introduction to Sir Alan Shag. The only sticking point was that of a title, Marina sought marriage to a peer.

As it happens, both Sir Alan and his friend are also in the market for a peerage, and Sir Ron believes that Marina's fortune may be sufficient to secure one for both of them.

Furthermore, our two knights of the realm believe they are on the brink of a deal which would make them significant players in the energy reserves of the Russian Arctic.

Both men feel that priority must be given to the marriage contract with Marina, "as formidable a business woman as Catherine the Great" according to Sir Ron; and Sir Alan has returned to Britain to seek counsel from a political adviser they call "Peter the Great". A preliminary telephone conversation with Peter has re-assured them that "cash is always king where a peerage is concerned", although Sir Alan's "switch from Conservative to New Labour to Cameron Conservative horse" is felt to be a disadvantage, "but not one which some strategic investment in UK plc might not overcome..."

To be continued.....

CULTURAL COCKATOO - OUT OF AUSTRALIA

Not usually having much truck for cultural bureaucrats, we nevertheless found ourselves pitying the poor curator of the British Museum's "Out of Australia" Exhibition, which yesterday received a screeching attack from the Sheila-Devil From Downunder on BBC Radio 4's Front Row arts programme. Yes, Cultural Cockatoo Germaine Greer laid into the forthcoming show of drawings and water colours, together with the accompanying display of of Australia foliage - sponsored by Rio Tinto - with a beak determined to draw blood.

INTRODUCING SOME COALITION COMEDY

As the British Coalition Government is turning into a rather too serious affair, Janet and Rocco have decided to celebrate this political relationship with some coalition comedy.

The New County Wife - Singular Political Woman

Act II Scene I

It is now some 18 months since we left "The New Country Wife", Samantha Shag, and her plotting husband Sir Alan. In this time, much water, as they say, has passed under the bridge.

Sir Alan has failed in his attempt to implicate Samantha in an affair with her riding instructor, and it is she who has divorced him. He is now rumoured to be wedding the former wife of a Russian oligarch subject to "satisfactory pre-nuptial agreement". His energy and resources joint venture with Sir Ron Fastmoney is still on the cards, as is a possible peerage for both of them.

Samantha has also decided to enter the political arena. The sex industry, in which she occupies a thoroughly respectable position, has been doing very well, and Samantha feels that as a successful business woman she now has much to offer public life.

However, whilst the "allure of azure" last year turned Samantha's head in the direction of David Cameron's Conservatives, her well-developed political instincts have now secured her the position of Liberal Democrat parliamentary candidate in a by-election following the resignation of the existing incumbent after a series of sex scandals.

The constituency, in a suburb of Birmingham, is ideally suited to Samantha's professional demographic as a key part of her business involves the provision of what she describes as "naughties" for women to buy at home-based parties. Indeed, this loyal clientele has provided an excellent campaign team.

Although some former members of the Social Democrats have re-joined the Labour Party as a consequence of Samantha's selection, she is, nevertheless, confident of victory in the forthcoming by-election. She regards herself as a "true liberal", and as someone who can restore the brightness of the Lib Dem's star, currently somewhat dimmed by Coalition politics.

Samantha's only regret at the present time is that she, along with children Zara and Harry, did not receive an invitation to the recent British Royal Wedding. The event has, however, set this singular political woman wondering whether re-entry to the married ranks might be good for her future ministerial career.

THE TAIL OF THE RUNAWAY HORSE

Some readers will be aware of a feline work in progress at Janet and Rocco's other blog - http://janetrocco.wordpress.com/ - entitled "Tails of Two Nations" - but today we turn our attention to a horse's tail.

The name of the equine in question is unknown, but the animal is famous, or infamous, following an over-hasty departure from outside Westminster Abbey after last week's British Royal Wedding. Discharging its Cavalry Guardsman rider, the horse defied attempts to catch it and raced back to Horse Guards Barracks, overtaking the carriage of the bride and groom together with their equestrian escort en route.

We observed at the time that, on occasions, this Royal "posse" did look like something out of a John Wayne film, but the BBC's coverage of the event seemed to have censored out the runaway animal, although we had detected a loose horse.

Interviewed later exclusively for our blog, however, a close friend of the equine, who wishes to remain anonymous, said it had early wind of a likely assault - codename Geronimo - by the United States cavalry on the hideout of a much-wanted outlaw in a distant part of the globe. The horse had, therefore, apparently decided that, as readiness for battle might be required, it would suspend all ceremonial work immediately and report for combat duty post haste.

In the light of this noble motivation, and notwithstanding that the animal's conduct was not entirely in accordance with military training and protocol, we would nevertheless request that the horse is forgiven any impropriety by the Royal Household.

Finally, perhaps consideration might be also be given to the horse receiving the honorary name Geronimo, in recognition of the prescience shown on this occasion.

May Day 2011 - Tribute To Three Great Empires