A New Cosmopolitan Agenda...

A recent visit to Cheltenham has prompted us to reflect on the meaning of "cosmopolitan" in contemporary politics and society, and, indeed, for modern English satire, given the association of Georgian England with Rococo Satire, and Cheltenham, in particular, with the lighter (and liter ?) satirical writings of the so-called "Water Poets", who drew their inspiration from those places where people went to "Take the Waters".

Our Mini-Guideto Cheltenham (Obtained from the helpful Tourist Information Office) describes the town as "cosmopolitan", but what does this mean : urbane architecture and planning, handsome gardens, cafe society, famous literary festival, horse-racing ? For us "cosmopolitan" is a state of being, but does Cheltenham possess this, or just its outward accessories as a sort of living manifestation of some, ultimately rather shallow, contemporary "Style" magazine.

In the absence of any real or meaningful definition (or bench-mark, to use the current jargon) for defining "cosmopolitanism", we are, therefore, going to propose a few indicators, as follows :

• Serial Re-Marriage and the creation of multiple households are not considered "De Rigeur". A discreet lover or two of the opposite or same sex are quite acceptable, but no more. Too many children are also to be discouraged.


• Naked flesh (bosom, belly, buttock etc) should not be excessively on view in public places, and particularly if not aesthetically well-proportioned. Beer guts may be just about acceptable on middle aged men, but not on young ladies.


• The general populace do not bore their fellow wo/men with accounts of their personal lives in the workplace and public realm, thus disrupting professional and civic discourse, but keep these for private occasions.

The Right On Lord Shag of Solihull (Working Title Only)

The story so far....

Sir Alan Shag - knighted during the John Major Government, later switching his allegiance to New Labour - is now in his mid 50s, and contemplating a change of Party (back to the Conservatives) and wife (someone more conservative than former doyenne of the Birmingham bondage scene, Samantha Shag). Substantial donations to New Labour have not brought that much-desired peerage (Lord Shag of Solihull), with accompanying ministerial appointment (following in the footsteps of Lord Digby de B'rm), so Sir Alan is now courting "Heir to Blair David" Cameron.

With an early fortune made in carpet manufacturing, Sir Alan transferred his indisputable business cunning to housebuilding and the motor trade in the 1980s, for services to which he was later knighted. However, he has never forgotten his commercial beginnings and his neo-palladian mansion in Warwickshire is fittingly known as "The Shag Pile". It is here that Sir Alan and Samantha Shag now reside with little Harry and Zara; where his wife and children receive riding lessons from former guards officer Captain James Blewitt, and where he employs "Apprentice" Tristram (Oxford graduate and former right-of-centre think tank researcher) for advice on political etiquette.

Hoping that Samantha might be having an affair with James Blewitt - and indeed, positively encouraging this - Sir Alan has engaged the services of a "private eye" and ex-secret service operative Richard "Spook" Dickinson to provide evidence for his much hoped for divorce. Tristam, meanwhile, is researching possible future marriage partners for his employer, paying particular attention to women from old Worcestershire gentry and aristocratic families who might want to develop their country estates for affordable housing, and similarly worthy projects.

However, Samantha (nee Bond, and former Proprietress of The Birmingham - Strictly Adults Only -Bond Age Club) is aware of her husband's plot, and has her own plans. Upon their marriage in the early "Naughties" (as she likes to call the beginnings of the 21st century), Samantha encouraged Sir Alan to invest in some enterprises in the respectable sectors of the sex industry, which, as it happens, are now performing rather better than his housebuilding and motor trade interests. Whilst enjoying the life of a country gentlewoman, Samantha has also tired of Sir Alan's company, and longs to return to "The Business"; not, however, ruling out a future career in politics herself ...with the Lib Dems.

To be continued...

The Preposterous Global Mega Projects Company

We have recently been contacted by an enterprise - with offices in Beijing, Dubai, Houston and Moscow - called "The Preposterous Global Mega Projects Company". To quote from their letter :

"Dear Sirs

Invitation to Local Partners with an Interest in the Construction of a Major New Inland Port Facility in Worcester, UK"

Following recent announcements by the UK Government, we understand that tenders will shortly be invited for the construction of the above new major inland port facility in the West Midlands.

The Preposterous Global Mega Projects Company will shortly be hosting a seminar on a river boat in Worcester with a view to engaging local partners in this great enterprise. We would be delighted if you would attend...."

To be frank, this invitation comes at something of a surprise. There was indeed a proposal for a major inland port facility at Worcester...in the mid 1940s.

However, the West Midlands regional planning situation, is - largely as a consequence of central government's repeated interventions - so crazy that anything is possible !