JANET ROCCO

Cultural Reference & Literary Allusion in Satire

2011-08-02T10:11:00.011+01:00

The cultural credentials of Janet and Rocco are considerable. In a previous incarnation Rocco headed "Catte Hall", an institution once attached to an august English university. We jest not, this home of learning really did exist, and subsequently became part of the same college which Janet attended in a much later age to pursue literary studies.

We mention this because it has become apparent that others may not be able to access the same wealth of cultural reference and literary allusion as ourselves. It may be necessary, therefore, to explain the classical references implicit in our previous post.

The Temple of Droitwich alludes to Delphi in ancient Greece, whose oracle was famed throughout the then civilised world. The Sibyls were Greek prophetesses who sought guidance from chthonic spirits dwelling within the earth, as distinct from those lofty Olympian deities who communicate with British politicians, and particularly London's Mayors.

Sibyl of Suburbia - The Oracle of Droitwich

2011-07-27T15:05:00.007+01:00

Inspired by "The Temple of Droitwich", or the spa town's unique saltwater lido (shown above), Janet and Rocco have decided to embark upon a new story whose working title is "The Sibyl of Suburbia".

The prophetess in question draws upon chthonic spirits inhabiting Droitwich's briny underworld and provides auguries linked to global consumer spending and the retail sector, having already established contacts in China where fortune-telling is more culturally acceptable.

Whilst Janet is the scribe of this new narrative, Rocco - the cat oracle - will provide expert advice on the arts of augury from ancient times to the present day, including economic forecasting which, as J K Galbraith once said, "exists to make astrology look respectable".

BEYOND SATIRE (AND BURLESQUE) - From this week's Parliamentary Written Answers

2011-07-15T15:05:00.007+01:00

Charlie Elphicke: To ask the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government on what date the decision was taken by his Department to authorise public expenditure on an away day at the Brickhouse burlesque club; how much was spent on the away day and on which contractors and firms; what form the teambuilding event took; and what steps have been taken to reduce expenditure on away days. [59209]

Robert Neill: This away day event was authorised by the Department in February 2010, before the coalition Government took office. The booking was made under the last Administration, while the cost of the event was debited via the Government Procurement Card in May 2010.

Poisson Rouge, an events management company, were contracted to provide the venue and the event. The total cost of the event was £4,719.21 which comprised £3,417.71 of payments made to Poisson Rouge and £1,301.50 to the venue, the Brickhouse.

The event involved hire of a room during the day at the venue, for a review of work in internal audit. While I am informed the Brickhouse often features such figures as ‘burlesque chanteuse Lady Beau Peep’ and ‘showgirl sensation Amber Topaz’, the event in this instance did not involve civil servants watching, or indeed, performing cabaret or other eclectic entertainment.

No alcohol was consumed at the event. The purpose of the staff event was to review work carried out for 2009-10, identify areas for improvement, agree changes for the forthcoming year to improve service delivery and build the team. However, the final part of the day did involve a team building event involving drumming, organised by Poisson Rouge.

Notes
Mr Elphicke is Conservative MP for Dover and Deal. Mr Neill is a Minister in the Department for Communities and Local Government (or Pickles Department according to some reports)
The Brickhouse - http://www.thebrickhouse.co.uk/ - is a London cabaret club
Poisson Rouge - http://www.poissonrouge.co.uk/ - is an events and team building company, possibly related to New Labour

PHILIP DODD'S BOOB CREATES WAVES

2011-06-04T16:39:00.009+01:00

Interviewing Pamela Stephenson-Connolly - daughter from downunder, former Not The Nine O'clock News presenter, wife of Billy, psychotherapist, Strictly Come Dancing contestant, writer and generally formidable femme - it emerged that BBC Radio 3 Night Waves present Philip Dodd had apparently greeted her as Pamela Anderson.

The subject in question was sex, and Pamela Stephenson-Connolly's new book on this. I'm sure that Dr Freud, perhaps observing the sometimes tense exchange in his therapeutic Elysium, would have enjoyed a laugh.

Incidentally, we are creating a new "Cultural Cockatoo" column to celebrate the literary, artistic and other achievements of creative Australiennes, as well as Kiwi Birds.

New Country Wife - Birmingham Interchange

2011-06-04T15:56:00.005+01:00

Act 2 Scene 4

Samantha has arrived at Marina's Chelsea apartment, to be told that the MD of Kitsch & Kinky has been held up. However, Marina has other business to discuss with Samantha, notably "rising price of peerage" as she explains.

Peter, "political adviser" of Ron and Alan, has met with Chancellor of Exchequer's office concerning "strategic investment in UK plc sufficient to obtain two peerage. Adviser has direct access to office following incident with oligarch and yacht in Corfu a few years ago. Chancellor's office told Peter that we would need to pay for Birmingham Interchange station on new high speed railway to have two peerage".

Marina is clearly not happy with this news, which is nevertheless of great interest to Samantha whose constituency lies on the route of the proposed HS2. Furthermore, the information provided suggests that the promoters intend to abandon the Birmingham city centre station in favour of a line which goes only as far as the airport interchange.

Like most MPS with constituencies along the proposed route, Samantha has serious doubts about the viability of the project, aside from its environmental impact which is a particular concerns for her voters, and she is not at all surprised that the Birmingham airport interchange is really what interests "London politics".

For all her cosmopolitanism, Samantha still very much thinks of herself as "The New Country Wife" and the thought of "our lovely countryside being torn up so people from London can catch a flight from Birmingham" angers her deeply. She therefore feels bound to agree that Marina is "being offered a very bad deal".....

To be continued

The New Country Wife - Samantha Shag MP

2011-06-01T15:36:00.009+01:00

Act II Scene 3

Samantha Shag has just won a by-election to become the Lib-Dem MP for a suburb of Birmingham, and simultaneously shot to poll position in new website where punters vote for the sexiest member of parliament.

This success has brought unprecedented media coverage to the business which Samantha founded and is now non-executive chairman, Kitsch & Kinky. Until now very much a middle market enterprise, "The Sexy MP" site - created by members of the "Made in Chelsea" set - has made Kitsch & Kinky's new managing director determined to move the brand up-market.

A meeting in London is scheduled between the MD and Samantha, who has also been contacted by Sir Alan Shag's prospective new wife, Marina. It has occurred to Samantha that this Russian lady might make an excellent business partner, and has suggested they "do a threesome".

The House of Commons register of business interests has of course been informed of these developments, with the exception of Marina's possible involvement, and received full disclosure of Samantha's financial affairs. Indeed, she is sure that her reputation for probity will not go unrewarded.

Her only slight embarrassment is an elderly Conservative MP who was a regular client when Samantha was the doyenne of the Birmingham bondage scene during John Major's government. As a woman who likes to move on in the world, she naturally hopes that the old gentleman will be discreet, although Samantha has no intention of shackling anyone who wishes to pry....

To be continued....

The New Country Wife - "Catherine the Great"

2011-05-28T16:20:00.008+01:00

Act 2, Scene 2

Sir Alan has returned to "The Shag Pile" after a stay on Sir Ron Fastmoney's ocean-going yacht, "Catherine the Great".

Here, Sir Alan's relationship with Marina, the former wife of a Russian oligarch has progressed to discussion of "pre-nuptial agreement". Marina, a one time Olympic gymnast originally from Siberia, received "spectacular divorce settlement" from her previous husband after he left her for "recent winner of Ms Pole Dance World". A friend of Sir Ron's latest wife, Marina let it be known that she wanted to meet "older English country gentleman with title". Sir Ron responded that he "may have just the man for her" and arranged an introduction to Sir Alan Shag. The only sticking point was that of a title, Marina sought marriage to a peer.

As it happens, both Sir Alan and his friend are also in the market for a peerage, and Sir Ron believes that Marina's fortune may be sufficient to secure one for both of them.

Furthermore, our two knights of the realm believe they are on the brink of a deal which would make them significant players in the energy reserves of the Russian Arctic.

Both men feel that priority must be given to the marriage contract with Marina, "as formidable a business woman as Catherine the Great" according to Sir Ron; and Sir Alan has returned to Britain to seek counsel from a political adviser they call "Peter the Great". A preliminary telephone conversation with Peter has re-assured them that "cash is always king where a peerage is concerned", although Sir Alan's "switch from Conservative to New Labour to Cameron Conservative horse" is felt to be a disadvantage, "but not one which some strategic investment in UK plc might not overcome..."

To be continued.....

CULTURAL COCKATOO - OUT OF AUSTRALIA

2011-05-24T09:50:00.005+01:00

Not usually having much truck for cultural bureaucrats, we nevertheless found ourselves pitying the poor curator of the British Museum's "Out of Australia" Exhibition, which yesterday received a screeching attack from the Sheila-Devil From Downunder on BBC Radio 4's Front Row arts programme. Yes, Cultural Cockatoo Germaine Greer laid into the forthcoming show of drawings and water colours, together with the accompanying display of of Australia foliage - sponsored by Rio Tinto - with a beak determined to draw blood.

INTRODUCING SOME COALITION COMEDY

2011-05-21T16:32:00.003+01:00

As the British Coalition Government is turning into a rather too serious affair, Janet and Rocco have decided to celebrate this political relationship with some coalition comedy.

The New County Wife - Singular Political Woman

2011-05-21T15:11:00.009+01:00

Act II Scene I

It is now some 18 months since we left "The New Country Wife", Samantha Shag, and her plotting husband Sir Alan. In this time, much water, as they say, has passed under the bridge.

Sir Alan has failed in his attempt to implicate Samantha in an affair with her riding instructor, and it is she who has divorced him. He is now rumoured to be wedding the former wife of a Russian oligarch subject to "satisfactory pre-nuptial agreement". His energy and resources joint venture with Sir Ron Fastmoney is still on the cards, as is a possible peerage for both of them.

Samantha has also decided to enter the political arena. The sex industry, in which she occupies a thoroughly respectable position, has been doing very well, and Samantha feels that as a successful business woman she now has much to offer public life.

However, whilst the "allure of azure" last year turned Samantha's head in the direction of David Cameron's Conservatives, her well-developed political instincts have now secured her the position of Liberal Democrat parliamentary candidate in a by-election following the resignation of the existing incumbent after a series of sex scandals.

The constituency, in a suburb of Birmingham, is ideally suited to Samantha's professional demographic as a key part of her business involves the provision of what she describes as "naughties" for women to buy at home-based parties. Indeed, this loyal clientele has provided an excellent campaign team.

Although some former members of the Social Democrats have re-joined the Labour Party as a consequence of Samantha's selection, she is, nevertheless, confident of victory in the forthcoming by-election. She regards herself as a "true liberal", and as someone who can restore the brightness of the Lib Dem's star, currently somewhat dimmed by Coalition politics.

Samantha's only regret at the present time is that she, along with children Zara and Harry, did not receive an invitation to the recent British Royal Wedding. The event has, however, set this singular political woman wondering whether re-entry to the married ranks might be good for her future ministerial career.

THE TAIL OF THE RUNAWAY HORSE

2011-05-03T15:57:00.010+01:00

Some readers will be aware of a feline work in progress at Janet and Rocco's other blog - http://janetrocco.wordpress.com/ - entitled "Tails of Two Nations" - but today we turn our attention to a horse's tail.

The name of the equine in question is unknown, but the animal is famous, or infamous, following an over-hasty departure from outside Westminster Abbey after last week's British Royal Wedding. Discharging its Cavalry Guardsman rider, the horse defied attempts to catch it and raced back to Horse Guards Barracks, overtaking the carriage of the bride and groom together with their equestrian escort en route.

We observed at the time that, on occasions, this Royal "posse" did look like something out of a John Wayne film, but the BBC's coverage of the event seemed to have censored out the runaway animal, although we had detected a loose horse.

Interviewed later exclusively for our blog, however, a close friend of the equine, who wishes to remain anonymous, said it had early wind of a likely assault - codename Geronimo - by the United States cavalry on the hideout of a much-wanted outlaw in a distant part of the globe. The horse had, therefore, apparently decided that, as readiness for battle might be required, it would suspend all ceremonial work immediately and report for combat duty post haste.

In the light of this noble motivation, and notwithstanding that the animal's conduct was not entirely in accordance with military training and protocol, we would nevertheless request that the horse is forgiven any impropriety by the Royal Household.

Finally, perhaps consideration might be also be given to the horse receiving the honorary name Geronimo, in recognition of the prescience shown on this occasion.

May Day 2011 - Tribute To Three Great Empires

2011-05-02T20:05:00.004+01:00

TRANSMOGRIFIED AGAIN - THIS SEASON'S IMAGE

2011-04-14T11:39:00.004+01:00

Janet and Rocco feel that their satirical and other offerings this season may be more earthy in nature, and perhaps view subjects more clearly in black and white.

THE DIARIES OF A FOXY LADY....

2011-04-06T15:50:00.009+01:00

...will follow shortly, but these will not be the journal of some new "Belle De Jour", and whilst there may be some spying on human animals this will pose no threat to national security. For the subject under scrutiny will be the planning system, admittedly sexed up from time to time....

RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT ORDERS COVER-UP

2011-03-31T16:01:00.004+01:00

As Russian femme-fatale spy Anna Chapman (shown here) launches a new career as host of a television show called "Secrets", her country's government has ordered its women workers to cover-up. Low cut blouses and short-skirts must be replaced by more modest attire in a new code of conduct, which also covers standards of behaviour for government employees. It is unclear whether this applies to those engaged in espionage.

ON THE SECOND DAY OF CHRISTMAS....

2010-12-08T09:35:00.007Z

Readers may remember that it is not long since we were lamenting the lack of potential satirical comedy in the UK Coalition Government. How premature this judgement was !

Enter Mike Hancock, Liberal Democrat MP for Portsmouth South, and a string of revelations that can only be described as an early Christmas present for the satirical observer.

So here's a little re-working of "A Partridge In A Pear Tree" in celebration of Mr Hancock's political indiscretions (a welcome distraction in these Oh So Worthy Times) :

On the second day of Christmas, my true love said to me
Two Russian blonds, and a Lib-Dem well over sixty....

Is Philip Hammond the New Prince of Darkness ?

2010-10-28T16:12:00.006+01:00

Are we alone in thinking that the Secretary of State for Transport, Philip Hammond, bears some resemblance to Christopher Lee's portrayal of Count Dracula ?

Please see www.dft.gov.uk/press/ministers/philiphammond

Or might this just arise from our intuition that some unappetising road schemes may be resurrected ?

Either way, as we hot seated this morning - Janet in Rocco's place - yesterday's sense of satirical void was replaced by a feeling that we are due for a spell of gothic satire well suited to the witching season !

THE SAD STORY OF BEAUTY & THE BEAST

2010-10-27T15:51:00.009+01:00

With the Season of Saturnalia just around the corner, the time has come for "The New Politics" to receive some satirical treatment, were it not already the case that some aspects of these are "Beyond Satire" !

Take "The Story of Beauty and the Beast", as we shall call it. ""The Beast" - aka Lib-Dem MP John Hemming who also has a very informative blog @ http://johnhemming.blogspot.com/ - is a self-confessed serial adulterer, whose wife recently stole a kitten, called Beauty, from the home of a (? former) mistress with whom he has a child*

Reference to the old story of "Beauty and the Beast" seems particularly appropriate here because the tale is, in fact, rather a sad one. Mr Hemming's wife has been charged with theft and the poor kitten is, it seems, still lost and much missed by his child and the little cat's brother. I can feel the tears welling up even as I write this !

So would the Coalition Government please dish up a good old-fashioned scandal, of the kind to which we became accustomed under the Conservative premiership of John Major, such as his own affair with Edwina Currie.

*A lovely photo of Beauty and her brother Twinkle appears in Mr Hemming's post of 21 October.

Eruption in Iceland to decide UK Election ?

2010-04-17T16:29:00.010+01:00

Internet search engines threw up a satirical news site called The Spoof - http://www.thespoof.com/ - the other day, when we looked for an update on the consequences for air travel following the dispersal of an ash plume from the eruption of a volcano in Iceland .

Political relations between Iceland and the United Kingdom have not been too warm since the British Government froze the assets of Icelandic Banks, deploying anti-terror laws in the process.

Anyone familiar with the Old Icelandic Sagas will know that gods of the North do not take kindly to human provocation, especially when this comes from an Anglo-Saxon kingdom and source of historical enmity: some may remember the so-called "Cod War".

Iceland's volcanic eruption, co-inciding as it does with the UK General Election, is a reminder of our ancient European heritage. The gods of the North may yet overturn political process in Britain, providing a long-awaited government of national unity perhaps.

CAFE ROCCO NOW OPEN FOR BUSINESS

2010-04-16T11:17:00.006+01:00

Following Craft's announcement last week that their Cadbury brand is to have a national coffee shop chain - some may remember the Lyons Tea Houses - we would like to inform readers that Cafe Rocco is now open for business at http://www.caferocco.com/

The new website has a welcoming feline image, which is just as well because the images have mysteriously disappeared from our previous posts.

Portentous events this week - notably the grounding of aircraft across the UK and Northern Europe following the eruption of an Icelandic volcano and a plume of ash moving through the upper atmosphere - remind us of the strange cosmic event which concluded our first creative enterprise in 2006, "The Court of the Red Tsar".

In this, Britain is mysteriously plunged back into the middle years of the 20th century and a time when Lyons Tea Houses provide sustenance on the High Street. At the stylish Cafe Rocco, we look forward to more post-election retro-kitsch !

BRING ON BREMNER BIRD & FORTUNE !

2010-04-01T10:46:00.010+01:00

Like many fans of satirical comedy, Janet and Rocco are longing for the return of Channel 4's Bremner, Bird and Fortune show. The appearance of The Three Tenors - whoops The Three Chancellors* ! - the other day just didn't provide an alternative, if that is what Channel 4 had intended.

* Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling, Shadow Chancellor George Osborne, and Liberal Democrat Treasury Spokesman Vince Cable : all singing much in the same tenor.

PS. We enjoyed Rory Bremner's all too short "International Satirists" series on BBC Radio 4 - more of the same please !

Interlude - The Value of a Classical Education

2010-02-15T15:52:00.006Z

Some readers may have been following the case of a financier being sued for £4 million for sexual discrimination, by former employee Jordan Wimmer.

The gentleman in question, Mr Mark Lowe of Nomos Capital, sent a lewd email to another female employee - a friend of Ms Wimmer - quoting the Latin poet Catallus (showing some resemblance to Mr Lowe in this modern representation).

The financier maintained that the email was sent as a joke, which could not cause offense because the recipient did not understand Latin.

However, it will be interesting to see who has the last laugh as Ms Wimmer has recently filed a further case against Mr Lowe and Nomos Capital.

Further Extract from The New Country Wife

2009-11-16T13:57:00.005Z

Act 1, Scene 2 : Sir Alan Country House, The Shag Pile - follows on from July 2009 Post

....On the advice of "Apprentice" Tristram, Sir Alan has abandoned plans to marry into the Worcestershire gentry or County aristocrats : too poor ! Instead Tristram has proposed the recently-divorced former wife of a Russian oligarch with an "excellent settlement". However, the grounds for Sir Alan's divorce from his present wife, Samantha, have yet to be determined, although he and Tristram are confident that "the Secret Agent" will deliver these.

In the meantime, Sir Ron Fastmoney, an old friend, has paid an unexpected visit to "The Shag Pile".

The relationship between the two men goes back to the 1980s, when Sir Ron was knighted during the boom years of the Thatcher Government for services to property development. Much of Sir Ron's fortune was subsequently wiped out during the crash of the early 1990s, forcing him to flee the country to avoid creditors.

Since then, he has spent much of time "off-shore" - the Caribbean, Dubai, Far East etc - and in the process created a much larger fortune. Sir Ron now spends most of his year on a large ocean-going yacht, entertaining the rich and their hangers-on. However, he is currently "setting up ship" in St Petersburg, having also recently acquired a new Russian wife : "There'll be no New Austerity for me, thank you very much...!!

Sir Ron wants Sir Alan Shag - whom he regards as "a cunning old fox, if rather cash-strapped these days" - to join him in a Russian energy and resources joint venture, which he promises will deliver the kind of returns unimaginable in "a poky little country like Britain.... Naturally, I am sparing no expense in entertaining the Russians....."

To be Continued....

Advertisement for The (Original) Country Wife

2009-11-16T13:52:00.003Z

THE NEW COUNTRY WIFE* - PREVIEW

2009-07-14T15:23:00.007+01:00

Act 1, Scene 1 - The Bacchus Bar in Birmingham**

"Lying in the Gutter, and
Spying on the Stars....." ***

* Follows on from "The Right-On Lord Shag of Solihull" (Working Title Only) of 22 July 2008
* * A Real Place *** A recent leader title in the Financial Times NB : Any resemblance of the characters in this drama to a real person is totally co-incidental

Samantha Shag is reading a recent editorial in the FT on the use of private investigators by the British tabloid press to intercept the personal communications of celebrities and politicians. She awaits the arrival of her old friend and onetime associate in the Birmingham's bondage scene, Titania : who now runs a successful lap dancing enterprise of the same name. Samantha wants Titania's advice on husband Sir Alan's machinations to divorce her, including employment of his own personal spy. Titania in turn wants Samantha's help on problems with a New Labour Wag, and former Home Secretary, who objects to the expansion of the lap dancing trade in her West Midlands constituency.

To be continued....

Please see also our other Blog @ http://janetrocco.wordpress.com/

DO POLITICIANS MAKE GOOD PETS ?

2009-06-30T11:35:00.009+01:00

Janet is always keen to expand her mind and decided to have a look at the Times Educational Supplement yesterday, which carried an article about psychometric testing on the front page and gave the following "taster" :

" Pet topic

A psychometric-style question

The cat is a small carnivorous mammal that is often valued by humans for its companionship. The cat is a skilled predator and is known to hunt over 1,000 species for food. Cats use a variety of vocalisations and body language for communication, such as purring, mewing, hissing and growling. The cat is an intelligent mammal and can be trained to obey simple commands. Typically, a cat will weigh between 2.5kg and 7kg. Cats are extremely sensitive as they have highly advanced hearing, eyesight, touch, and taste receptors. People’s belief that cats are solitary animals is incorrect, as they are actually highly social. This misconception is due to cats not having a social survival strategy (“pack mentality”) like animals such as dogs. This means that they look after their own needs, even when living in a group.
Q: Cats make good companions for humans
A: True
B: False
C: Cannot say
Source: Aptitude Tests Online."

Our answer would, of course, be A : True. However, could this be a trick question, with a politically correct sub-text, intended to weed out humans (and potential teachers) who also "look after their own needs, even when living in groups" notwithstanding that they have a "social survival strategy" as well.

In thus reflecting, Rocco (a cat) finds himself asking : Do politicians make good pets ? : or, more politically correctly, do they make good companions for cats ? Answers, please.

Yes, says Tango, who appeared on BBC1's political "Question Time" recently.

THE RISE AND RISE OF MS PIGGY

2009-06-13T16:25:00.005+01:00

In the year 2000, a gentleman friend - and erstwhile Big Shot in the World of Advertising - advised Janet on the return of the fuller figure for women. At the time, she forgot this piece of advice almost immediately, but has since often recollected it.

So it was only the other day, that whilst perusing the political shelves in a local bookshop, she came across two volumes which recalled her former gentleman friend's words. One book, whose name she also forgot immediately, was an extended diatribe by Julie Birchill and someone with a double-barrelled surname (unclear whether male or female).

In this volume, Ms Birchill and her friend hold forth on range of subjects - political with both a large and small "p" - including women of "the fuller figure", of which Ms B is a Big One. She also has a rather shrill voice, which amongst larger ladies also seems to have made a comeback.

As it happens, Janet chanced upon a couple of these Modern Harpies fighting for a car-parking space - one in gold 4x4 Merc and the other in similar Chavrolet* - as she took her bike towards the train station on a very hot day. "How Very Uncool !", she thought.

The other volume was a biography of Boris Johnson, whose title Janet has also forgotten, but which bore a quotation on the front cover from Ken Livingstone : "the scariest book I've read since The Silence of the Lambs". Boris himself incidentally describes the book as "Rubbish...but well-written rubbish !". Lot of "That" about !

However, this book does indeed contain something quite extra-ordinary : photographs of the young Boris which bear more than a passing resemblance to the character of Vicky Pollard in Little Britain !

* Ms Birchill is a defender of "Chav", being Upper Chav herself, and perhaps a Chavrolet driver.

A New Cosmopolitan Agenda...

2008-08-07T16:30:00.009+01:00

A recent visit to Cheltenham has prompted us to reflect on the meaning of "cosmopolitan" in contemporary politics and society, and, indeed, for modern English satire, given the association of Georgian England with Rococo Satire, and Cheltenham, in particular, with the lighter (and liter ?) satirical writings of the so-called "Water Poets", who drew their inspiration from those places where people went to "Take the Waters".

Our Mini-Guideto Cheltenham (Obtained from the helpful Tourist Information Office) describes the town as "cosmopolitan", but what does this mean : urbane architecture and planning, handsome gardens, cafe society, famous literary festival, horse-racing ? For us "cosmopolitan" is a state of being, but does Cheltenham possess this, or just its outward accessories as a sort of living manifestation of some, ultimately rather shallow, contemporary "Style" magazine.

In the absence of any real or meaningful definition (or bench-mark, to use the current jargon) for defining "cosmopolitanism", we are, therefore, going to propose a few indicators, as follows :

Serial Re-Marriage and the creation of multiple households are not considered "De Rigeur". A discreet lover or two of the opposite or same sex are quite acceptable, but no more. Too many children are also to be discouraged.

Naked flesh (bosom, belly, buttock etc) should not be excessively on view in public places, and particularly if not aesthetically well-proportioned. Beer guts may be just about acceptable on middle aged men, but not on young ladies.

The general populace do not bore their fellow wo/men with accounts of their personal lives in the workplace and public realm, thus disrupting professional and civic discourse, but keep these for private occasions.

The Right On Lord Shag of Solihull (Working Title Only)

2008-07-22T17:05:00.003+01:00

The story so far....

Sir Alan Shag - knighted during the John Major Government, later switching his allegiance to New Labour - is now in his mid 50s, and contemplating a change of Party (back to the Conservatives) and wife (someone more conservative than former doyenne of the Birmingham bondage scene, Samantha Shag). Substantial donations to New Labour have not brought that much-desired peerage (Lord Shag of Solihull), with accompanying ministerial appointment (following in the footsteps of Lord Digby de B'rm), so Sir Alan is now courting "Heir to Blair David" Cameron.

With an early fortune made in carpet manufacturing, Sir Alan transferred his indisputable business cunning to housebuilding and the motor trade in the 1980s, for services to which he was later knighted. However, he has never forgotten his commercial beginnings and his neo-palladian mansion in Warwickshire is fittingly known as "The Shag Pile". It is here that Sir Alan and Samantha Shag now reside with little Harry and Zara; where his wife and children receive riding lessons from former guards officer Captain James Blewitt, and where he employs "Apprentice" Tristram (Oxford graduate and former right-of-centre think tank researcher) for advice on political etiquette.

Hoping that Samantha might be having an affair with James Blewitt - and indeed, positively encouraging this - Sir Alan has engaged the services of a "private eye" and ex-secret service operative Richard "Spook" Dickinson to provide evidence for his much hoped for divorce. Tristam, meanwhile, is researching possible future marriage partners for his employer, paying particular attention to women from old Worcestershire gentry and aristocratic families who might want to develop their country estates for affordable housing, and similarly worthy projects.

However, Samantha (nee Bond, and former Proprietress of The Birmingham - Strictly Adults Only -Bond Age Club) is aware of her husband's plot, and has her own plans. Upon their marriage in the early "Naughties" (as she likes to call the beginnings of the 21st century), Samantha encouraged Sir Alan to invest in some enterprises in the respectable sectors of the sex industry, which, as it happens, are now performing rather better than his housebuilding and motor trade interests. Whilst enjoying the life of a country gentlewoman, Samantha has also tired of Sir Alan's company, and longs to return to "The Business"; not, however, ruling out a future career in politics herself ...with the Lib Dems.

To be continued...

The Preposterous Global Mega Projects Company

2008-01-22T15:49:00.000Z

We have recently been contacted by an enterprise - with offices in Beijing, Dubai, Houston and Moscow - called "The Preposterous Global Mega Projects Company". To quote from their letter :

"Dear Sirs

Invitation to Local Partners with an Interest in the Construction of a Major New Inland Port Facility in Worcester, UK"

Following recent announcements by the UK Government, we understand that tenders will shortly be invited for the construction of the above new major inland port facility in the West Midlands.

The Preposterous Global Mega Projects Company will shortly be hosting a seminar on a river boat in Worcester with a view to engaging local partners in this great enterprise. We would be delighted if you would attend...."

To be frank, this invitation comes at something of a surprise. There was indeed a proposal for a major inland port facility at Worcester...in the mid 1940s.

However, the West Midlands regional planning situation, is - largely as a consequence of central government's repeated interventions - so crazy that anything is possible !

This Blog is Resuming with Tarot Advice from Rocco (TAROCCO) on The Tower Card

2007-08-11T17:03:00.000+01:00

The Tarot card entitled "The Tower" is one which merits respect. This card typically depicts two figures (a man and woman) falling headlong from a tower which is being struck by lightning. Commentators on the Tarot usually associate this card with the inevitable breakdown of structures which have come to pose an obstacle to individual or collective development. Such structures can include relationships, whether personal or professional, financial constructions such as stock markets (note increasing reference this week to a "real economy", whatever that might be !), ideologies and institutions.

One depiction of The Tower also has the ancient god Poseidon emerging with his Trident from a stormy sea, with said structure in front of him. Aside from his identification with the sea, Poseidon was also identified with tectonic shifts, of the kind now required in the human psyche to tackle climate change, or the need for peace on earth : time for the government to re-consider planned investment in nuclear armaments perhaps. The Tower is also linked to the Tower of Babel in some interpretations.

The figure of Poseidon may too be a timely reminder of the former deputy prime minister (DPM), with his maritime connections, and who is still a member of parliament for Hull (scene of recent floods) ? The weekend press heralded a forthcoming autobiography, which will no doubt re-emphasise the former DPM's role in international negotiations on climate change, his use of the expression "tectonic shift", and throw light (if not strike lightning) onto the relationship between former prime minister Tony Blair and the present incumbent of that office. Indeed it is possible that these may be the two figures thrown from the Tower, depending upon Gordon Brown's timing of the next general election.

Scotland's Alex Salmond (generally pronounced "Salmon" - and therefore a "Big Fish" - on the BBC) may be another politician with the power of tectonic shift, taking over that Prescottism "shifting of the tectonic plates" when he announced a forthcoming referendum on Scottish
independence

2007-03-21T10:48:00.001Z

This Blog is Relocating

Due to Gremlins (of a technical or censorship nature, possibly both !) this and our other blogs (see below) are relocating for a time to http://www.witchofworcester.wordpress.com .

2007-02-03T12:10:00.000Z

TAROCCO : Tarot Advice from Rocco

From next month, Rocco, "The Cat Oracle" will be offering advice based on readings of the Tarot. He will introduce the new service with a reading for the New Labour Leadership, including a prediction concerning the identity of the Deputy Prime Minister's successor.
Early indications suggest that this is likely to be Alan Johnson, with Gordon "Stalin" Brown as PM (see "The Court of the Red Tar" in our "Satyre" section), but the cards may have another story to tell.

2007-02-03T11:55:00.000Z

Party Animals

I watched the the first episode of "Party Animals" (from the makers of "This Life") the other day. If this is what life behind the scenes in Parliament today is really like, then the sooner we have an English "House" in Birmingham the better. The characters seem to consist mainly of Randy Tories (including a couple of toffs) and Nasty New Labour types. Even the central characters - two bright young things and one nerdy type, who played their parts very well - were too cliched to be really interesting. Things might get better of course, but I shan't be waiting around to find out. No wonder one poor fellow unintentionally topped himself (Live Fast Die Young and All That) in the first episode ! All a bit too "Casualty" for me. Yes, the production had something of that same slick quality, but I want real politics and drama, not a sort of soap. Bring back "Our Friends from the North" I say (which was much better than "This Life" anyway) !

2006-12-27T10:57:00.000Z

Politicat

"Politicat" is a new political column for all those with feline leanings, and we start with this little pussycat from GQ online..

"A Cheeky Chappy :
One of the most surprising couplings of this year was between Liberal Democrat MP Lempit Opik and Cheeky Girl Gabriela Irimia. Opik, who had previously been engaged to weather girl Sian Lloyd, took Gabriela to London's Science Museum for their first date. The Transylvanian singer hit back at remarks made by Lloyd, saying: "Our relationship is really genuine and it's not out of a pantomime or anything like that." Whether genuine or not, Lembit was criticised by some quarters for intervening in his girlfriend's deportation case, after Gabriela was denied further leave to stay in Britain. Can this relationship last long-distance? We'll find out in 2007"

2006-09-25T10:54:00.000+01:00

"I'm All Right John" - A Sequel to The Court of the Red Tar, inspired by the classic British Comedy "I'm All Right Jack".

It will be recalled that "The Court of the Red Tsar" last encountered its heroes and heroines on board the Battleship Prescottin, and that news is awaited from the "listening devices" installed by the security services (or secret police) at Stonehenge.

However, at this point there occurs a strange cosmic event, and Britain is mysteriously plunged back into the middle part of the 20th century. This is not without problems : all modern IT infrastructure disappears, so there is no blogging. Nevertheless, there are many benefits. Opportunities for political spin are much reduced, and real policies are a necessity once more.
Whilst there is no motorway network, rail and public transport services are remarkably good.
By present day standards. many British cities, and notably Birmingham, look much better.
There are also fewer people.

The lives of our earlier heroes and heroines are also much transformed. Brownin is a minister of the Scottish Church. Prescottin is chief steward on board a British merchant ship. Livingstonsky is keeper of the reptile house at London zoo. Comrade Terry is a Liverpool docker. Madame Kellyrova is a hospital matron, and Madame Cooperova a primary school teacher. The rebel leader, Cameronovitch, is a country squire; and, the head of the security services is chief constable of the Metropolitan police. Will their paths cross again : that is indeed the question...
And the answer is "yes" ! The only exceptions to this are Brownin (Gordon Brown - no relationship to the present Chancellor of the Execheque), Livinstonsky (now Ken Livingstone - no relation to the current Mayor of London), and the Chief Constable of the Metropolitan Police.
However, we will meet them again.

I'm All Right John

Prescottin (now John Prescott - no relation to the present Deputy Prime Minister) has retired from seafaring and is chief shop steward in a food processing factory. His deputy, Comrade Terry ( ..) has moved from Liverpool to Hull, where the action mainly takes place. John prescott is married to Madame Kellyrova (now Mrs Ruth Prescott, who is a housewife) and Madam Cooperova is their daughter (Yvette Prescott). David Camerson (no relation to the present leader of the Conservative Party) is a management trainee at the factory where Prescott works, and lodges with the Prescotts - where he takes a fancy to Yvette - in order to obtain a better understanding of the British working man and his equally hard-wroking family.

Incidentally, a very good synopsis of "I'm All Right Jack" can be found on the British Film Institute website

To be continued.

2006-06-05T11:35:00.000+01:00

The Court of the Red Tar * **(or Carry On Stalinova)
* as in Sailor **inspired by The Court of the Red Tsar

This is the synopsis for a play set in the future, but based upon current events. The writer takes no responsibility whatever for any resemblence of the characters to real people, past or present.

Main Characters
Comrade Prescottin ("The Red Tar")
Comrade Livingstonsky
Madame Kellyrova
Madame Cooperova
Chairman Terry Mao
The New Red Tsar and Tsarina

The drama takes place in 3 acts :
Act 1 The Suburban Revolutionary Council
Act 2 Revenge of the New Bolshevik Matrons
Act 3 The Coming of the New Red Tsar/ina

Synopsis

Act 1. The "Red Tar", Comrade Prescottin, has been president of the United Kingdom for some years, with Comrade Livingstonsky in the position of prime minister. This came about following the impeachment of Comrade Blairovich for unconstitutional actions, and general agreement that Comrade Brownin was, quite simply, insufficiently red. However, Brownin is still chancellor of the exchequer, and plays no role whatsoever in the drama which follows, except insofar as his policies enabled Russia, and to a lesser extent China, to aquire effective control of the UK. The country is now ruled by "The Suburban Revolutionary Council" rather than cabinet government. The main function of this council is to facilitate the construction of as many houses as possible to underpin the UK's role as "The World's Number One Global Suburb".

This "Suburban Revolution" began some years earlier under "The Communities Plan", conceived when Prescottin was Deputy Prime Minister. At first, Livingstonsky, then Mayor of London, had been skeptical of The Communities Plan, seeing it as good old fashioned new towns policy which had been to linked under previous socialist regimes to de-centralisation from the old conurbations, such as London. However, assisted by the intellectual Madam Cooperova - who had once worked for President Bill Clinton - Prescottin convinced Livingstonsky that The Plan meant the expansion of these old conurbations into the bourgeois counties, as new garden cities etc of the kind envisaged by Comrade Marx.

Eventually, the "suburban revolution" led to the creation of two enormous conurbations. In the north of England, Prescottgrad had grown from the city formerly called Hull to cover most of the ancient kingdom of Northumbria. In the South, Livingstongrad - once known as London - occupied most of what had been Wessex, as well as areas of Middle England or Mercia. However, a third, and largely unplanned, mega-conurbation had also been constructed called Tescograd. This had recently declared itself to be an independent republic. Moreover, it is involved in a territorial dispute with Livingstongrad. This "conflict zone" is a matter of some concern for The Suburban Revolutionary Council.

Act 2. Unbeknown to Prescottin and Livingstonsky, the new Bolshevik Matrons, Madames Kellyova and Cooperova, have "done a deal" with Chairman Terry Mao of Tescograd, which they hope will enable them to provoke a leadership contest in The Suburban Revolutionary Council. Madame Kellyova has ambitions to be President and to restore the Pope as head of the Church of England (the estranged husband of the Culture Minister, Comrade Millsovin, might also be helpful here). This would leave the role of Prime Minister open for Madame Cooperova.
The new Bolshevik Matrons hope that Prescottin's recent indiscretions with his diary secretary, and participation in the bourgeois game of croquet during working hours at the grand dacha of Dornywood, will enable them to win other Suburban Revolutionary Council members over to their way of thinking.

The Bolshevik Matrons make an unplanned visit to Tescograd, the centre of which was formerly Worcester. Chairman Terry Mao had forseen the opportunity this provincial city offered when the New (then Labour) Bolshevik MP constructed a swimming pool in his garden without planning permission, although this was granted retroactively. Some years later, the company then known was Tesco embarked upon a programme of unprecedented, and unplanned, supermarket development throughout the area once called The Midlands : Tescograd. Chairman Terry (he was generally known by his first name) was delighted to recieve a visit from Madames Kellyova and Cooperova.

Chairman Terry, in turn, harboured secret plans to rest control of Livingstongrad; although he would be quite happy for Madame Cooperova to be his second-in-command. Personally, he quite liked Comrade Prescottin, but he had always been deeply suspicious of Comrade Livingstonsky, who he believed still harboured co-operative socialist tendencies. Moreover, "Red Ken" was the power behind Prescottin : the two would stand or fall together. He chuckled to himself as he remembered something he had read in Red Ken's book "If voting changed anything, they'd abolish it". How true, he thought ! He also remembered a reference to The Godfather in this book - when Red Ken despatched a political rival - the line went something like : "Personally I liked the man, but business is business". Exactly, thought Chairman Terry, business is business and Prescottin would have to go.....

Act 3 : Meanwhile, Livingstonsky awoke from a bad dream. His home had been raided by 250 armed policemen. Was this an MI5 of a KGB Plot (something to do with the rebel leader David Cameronovich perhaps) ? He was led away and taken to County Hall in Milton Keynes. The London County Council had been revived as the Capital expanded into the surrounding counties, a process that escalated after the flooding of the Thames Gateway (when Livingstonsky temporarily acquired the nickname King Kenute). With the development of Livingstongrad, of which Milton Keyne was administrative centre, County Hall was kept as a quaint reminder of the past. But why was he being taken there now ? Something to do with Chairman Terry : Milton Keynes was also a disputed territory with Tescograd ? The shadowy figure that greeted him recalled a scene from Livingstonsky's favourite film, The Godfather. But this was more like a scene from Hanibal. As Ken's soul departed from his body (the result of a fatal wounding), his corpse was suspended outside County Hall, after the fashion of the Medici Renaissance princes. Fortunately the body was only that of a double, although Livingstonsky wasn't sure where his soul had gone. Perhaps like Livingstongrad, he was souless.

Meanwhile, in the North West of England, the Red Tsars football team was practicing for a forthcoming match. The team had once been called "Manchester United", but their Russian owner, who had bought the club from an Amercian outfit, preferred the name Red Tsars. Besides, Manchester no longer existed. After Liverpool had also succumbed to flooding, a "new town" had been built called Manlivostock. Although they were still extremely well paid, there was considerable discontent amongst the footballers, and even more amongst their wives. Those with family connections in the North West were aggrieved that some kind of Yorkshireman (Comrade Prescottin) was apparently running the country, along with the slimey ex-Londoner "Red Ken" (rumour had it that Ken had received some kind of gene therapy in Moscow, and had been given the DNA of a reptile enabling him to regenerate organs, limbs and other bodily appendages in the event of any assasination attempt). In short, David Beckamovsky and hs wife Victoria, were determined that they should replace Prescottin and Livingstonsky to become the New Red Tsar and Tsarina.

Meanwhile, on board the Battleship Prescottin (named after the Battleship Potemkin) everyone was extremely well fed, courtesy of Tescograd. The cruiseliner Paulinova the Great was moored beside the Battleship and the Good and the Great (as well as the Bad and the Bonkers) were being entertained in style. Prescottin is aware of various moves to topple him, but he has his own succession plan and exit strategy (to a fine dacha on the Crimea - one of Comrade Stalin's favourites) in place. The identity of the New Red Tsar and Tsarina will be revealed soon. However, Prescottin has just received a phone call from his Chief of Secret Police, Ianoff Blairovich, in Livingstonegrad, where, based on intellligence from "listening stones" (of the kind pilotted in a Moscow Park by British agents), at Stonehenge....draft to be continued

2006-05-26T14:53:00.000+01:00

Janet Rocco : Catyre, Catomancy & Channelling

janetrocco is the blog of "Janet" (human female) and "Rocco" (male feline). Although Janet is really the "channel" for Rocco's thoughts on a range of subjects, as well as his creative ideas, this blog uses the term "we". Thus we cover :

"catyre" (witty, even catty, and occasionally satiric observations on contemporary life)
"Catomancy" (feline magic arts, including transmogrification)
"channelling" (Rocco himself has a spirit guide called Ozzimandius - Ozman to friends)

Now let us introduce Janet. She is a middle aged woman, living in Middle England : Worcester to be precise. Janet is a person of independent thought and action. She might be middle class, or one of the dangerous class, or somewhere in between..."Do what ye will, but ye harm no one".

Rocco is a middle aged tomcat of medium size. He is generally regarded as rather fine. His "friends" are Toby (a black male, with spikey fur) and Felix (the neighbourhood busy-body). They enjoy fighting and waking the neighbourhood with their "primal screams".

Ozzimandius, in his previous incarnations, was the ruler of an ancient middle eastern kingdom, and then - as Cardinal de Rocco - a senior cleric in the Church of Rome. He then transmogrified into the occultist, Madame Blatkatsky. He is now Rocco's spirit guide.

We should mention how this came about. Ozman's "channel" of first choice was Humphrey, the onetime "Downing Street Cat", whom he thought might be a vehicle for contacting Cherie Booth-Blair. However, with Humphrey's expulsion from No 10, another "political animal" was sought.

This just about brings us up to date, and ready to to begin our first online Catyre....